A Time to Heal and Let Go

"You're beautiful because you know your own darkness and still, that alone doesn't stop you from finding your own light."

A truth that is very difficult for me until this day, but needs to be told to help another woman. I have this defense mechanism, where anything that causes pain to my heart…I just lock it up somewhere in my brain and do not ever talk about it. That's not healing. In the book, I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings, Maya Angelou stated, "There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside of you". That is so factual because you're dealing with something that needs to be released, otherwise, it will destroy a person mentally. Painful moments must be discussed in order to heal and move forward in your life in a positive manner.

My truth to you today is that after having my third child, I knew I did not want any more kids. I was on birth control pills for quite some time, and at a certain point, I realized that it was altering my mood for the worse. Towards the end of 2011, I made the decision to find an alternative to the pills, of which I had an IUD (Mirena) inserted. After only 4-5 months, I could not deal with the foreign object being embedded in my uterus. It gave me so many complications from pelvic pains to excessive anxiety. An appointment was then scheduled to remove the IUD because I could not live like a pained maniac any longer. I even had complications during the removal because the doctor could not locate the damn thing, so she sought help from not just one other doctor but a total of three. The third doctor was able to locate it and successfully remove it. Praise dance in my head while lying on that table. That was an emotional roller coaster in itself, imagine having something inside of you only to be told, "Oh Oh, it's not in place, we can't find it". Never again!! I will definitely advise that women think long and hard about the consequences of placing foreign objects in your bodies, it's not natural and it complicates our bodies. Well, after the IUD was removed, I started feeling normal again and not like a crazed maniac with mood swings of death that wanted to ball up in bed every day due to the pain.

I bet you thought that was the story I wanted to tell in this blog. That was only the background leading up to my truth I want to tell. Only a couple of people in my life outside of my household at the time knows about this. Now all of you will know. Sometime after the removal of the IUD, I ended up getting pregnant. I was losing my mind, I cried because by no means did I want to have another baby, especially dealing with certain household circumstances. But there I was about two months in with this fetus growing inside of me. During this stage, I discovered that my progesterone was low to the point that I had to take progesterone pills in order to have a successful pregnancy. After about a month, I came to terms with the pregnancy and accepted it. I became happy and excited about this blessing. Leading up to five months, I remember it like it was yesterday, I was planning and picking out baby boy names. I envisioned his future, how he would play baseball and be so successful. I just knew the baby was a boy, I felt it in my soul. The day arrived to have my sonogram to reveal the gender, this day forever changed me. I laid on the table with excitement to see my baby boy and to listen to his little heartbeat. The doctor placed the transducer on my belly, moved it around. Dead silence. I felt the doctor's energy and knew something was wrong. At that moment, it was revealed to me that there was no heartbeat and my little one was not alive. This was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to deal with, and to deal with it alone was even more trying (I know you probably thinking "alone?" that's another story that will be told at a later time). I had to deal with the mental anguish for the next couple of days of having to move around with a stillborn fetus inside of me until it passed. I cried for days on out. This was something I had to just overcome…it was something that I had to lock away deep in my brain because it was a very painful moment of my life. It changed my life moving forward in so many ways.

I'm sharing this truth with you because I want people to know that behind this smile I display today is a woman that has dealt with the pain. My life hasn't been easy and breezy, I have dealt with matters just like anyone else. To actually deal with a painful experience, you have to let it hurt, bleed, heal…..and then let it go. With that being said, do not feel bad or sorry for my experience. I'm not a victim, I am a warrior. I did not lie down to become a victim of my circumstances, and neither should you. So whatever you're going through, fight through it. You are not alone! For the women that have dealt with miscarriages, take it one day at a time and get the counseling that's needed to overcome the pain. I'm here for you if you need to discuss it. You can email sulisticlife@gmail.com.

Love and blessings.

R.I.P. to my guardian angel, you would've been 6 years old this year.